I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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