I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My vagina just clenched in fear
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
