have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
