I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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