me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
