Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
