this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
