WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
