I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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