Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Found your dick twin last night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
