we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
