I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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