After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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