Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
