Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
