just come out here and I will go home with you...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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