Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
