Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
