I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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