btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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