I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
