Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
