just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
