not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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