That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
