I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
