his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
