tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
