haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
