WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
