I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
