When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
