Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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