I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
