nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
