she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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