it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
