Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Randomize
