Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
