She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
