btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
