how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You ruined the universe
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