the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
