this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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