I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
