It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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