So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
