I think my fart just growled at me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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