I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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