Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
